Home / Spotlight / I’m a Girl Who Clawed Her Own Eyes Out. This Is My Story.

I’m a Girl Who Clawed Her Own Eyes Out. This Is My Story.

Mar 9, 2018

Just over a month ago, we could see. Or maybe we should put it this way: we had both my eyes, yet they didn’t assistance me notice how dangerous my life had become.

Then, on Feb 6, my universe went black.


I had been a straight-A tyro in Anderson, South Carolina—I was even in a National Honor Society when we left propagandize during age 17, mid by eleventh grade. Between operative prolonged hours to save adult for a car, and blank propagandize given of a heart arrhythmia, my grades had begun to slip. we suspicion holding time off from propagandize would be improved than blemish my educational record and would leave me with a improved possibility during securing a college grant to investigate sea biology, that I’d always wanted to do

By age 18, we was celebration ethanol socially and smoking pot often, while operative diligently during my part-time job. we suspected we was disposed to addiction, given it ran in my family, so we actively avoided what we deliberate some-more critical drugs.

But when we was 19 final summer, we was smoking pot with an familiarity during his residence and got a bizarre high. Later, we googled a symptoms that astounded me a many — dull lips and feeling like we was on tip of a world. I’d prolonged been a eremite Christian; a high done me feel quite tighten to God.

I consider a pot I’d smoked had been laced with possibly heroin or meth, both of that are stimulants. we was surprised, given I’d never viewed weed as a gateway drug, yet here we was, being unprotected to substances we never wanted in my life.

Because I’d gotten a pot from a crony we smoked with, we felt like he’d tricked me and left my pursuit to stretch myself from him. we didn’t finish adult going behind to school.

I didn’t have a pursuit and my attribute with my beloved of dual years began to deteriorate. To cope, we kept smoking pot and celebration ethanol and started holding Xanax recreationally. On a verge of a breakup, we had a mental breakdown. (Months later, in Feb 2018, we was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It done sense, given when we felt happy, we felt super happy, and when we felt down, we felt deeply depressed. The turmoil left me especially receptive to drug abuse, my doctors after told me.)

I finally got a new job, yet carrying mislaid my beloved and a array of tighten friends, we was waste and unhappy. we remembered a approach we felt on a laced weed and sought that kind of assent again.

At a finish of August, with another acquaintance, we motionless to fume meth for a initial time. we stayed adult for scarcely 3 days and gifted hallucinations we wasn’t awaiting — when we looked in a mirror, we suspicion we saw blackheads entrance out of my face and we spent an hour picking during my skin until we drew blood. When my roommate forsaken me off for work that evening, we was too broke by my welts to go inside. Soon after, as a outcome of blank work, we mislaid my job.

When we sobered up, we watched a video I’d filmed when we was high, and it totally freaked me out — a lady we saw, who kept articulate and talking, seemed so opposite from a genuine me.

After that, we directed transparent of meth yet felt so low that we asked one of my roommates, who dealt drugs, for ecstasy. At a time, a piece seemed safer than heroin or meth, given we knew people used it to feel some-more giveaway when they partied. we suspicion it would make me feel some-more confident; when it delivered, we started holding it once or twice a day on many days until a finish of November.

While on ecstasy, we complicated a Bible. we misinterpreted a lot of it. we assured myself that meth would move me even closer to God.

So, after Thanksgiving, when we was feeling quite lonely, we smoked meth with a friend. Within dual months, we progressed to snorting it, afterwards sharpened it as mostly as we could by myself or with friends. we was surrounded by complicated drug users.

Two or 3 times, we attempted to stop: we carried meth in my slot all day as if to prove, “This things is my bitch,” yet we always finished adult holding it.

My mom satisfied we was struggling with mental-health issues and drug abuse yet after pronounced she felt helpless; we wouldn’t dedicate to going to a drug rehab or a psychiatric facility, and yet explanation that we was a risk to myself, she couldn’t have me committed. Although we didn’t even have a place to live — I’d been sleeping during opposite people’s houses given relocating out during 17 — we told her we had all underneath control and avoided vocalization to her.

On Feb 4, we finally saw her again. She’d found a rehab trickery for me, and we concluded to go a following week. we after schooled she had available a conversation, during that we pronounced we didn’t wish to be in a universe given it was too immorality — a explanation she felt she indispensable to get a justice sequence and dedicate me.

But a subsequent day, we bought meth from my drug dealer. After a crony attempted to stop me, we shot adult that night. we took a incomparable sip than I’d ever used before.

On a morning of Tuesday, Feb 6, we was still high. we was hallucinating, so my memories are fuzzy, yet formed on what we remember and sum I’ve pieced together from other witnesses, here’s what happened: Thinking a crony I’d gotten high with had left to church, we wandered there along a tyrannise track. Even yet it was 10:30 in a morning, all looked dim and murky detached from a light post, where we suspicion a white bird was perched.

It was afterwards we remember meditative that someone had to scapegoat something critical to right a world, and that chairman was me. we suspicion all would finish abruptly, and everybody would die, if we didn’t rip out my eyes immediately. we don’t know how we came to that conclusion, yet we felt it was, yet doubt, a right, receptive thing to do immediately.

I got on my hands and knees, pulsation a belligerent and praying, “Why me? Why do we have to do this?” we after satisfied this wasn’t a personal eremite job — it was something anyone on drugs could have experienced.

Next, a male I’d been staying with, who happened to have a Biblical name, gathering by and called out a window, “I sealed adult a house. Do we have a other key?” A sign, we thought, that my scapegoat is a pivotal to saving a world.

So we pushed my thumb, pointer, and center finger into any eye. we gripped any eyeball, twisted, and pulled until any eye popped out of a hollow — it felt like a large struggle, a hardest thing we ever had to do. Because we could no longer see, we don’t know if there was blood. But we know a drugs impassive a pain. I’m flattering certain we would have attempted to scratch right into my mind if a priest hadn’t listened me screaming, “I wish to see a light!” — that we don’t remember observant — and calm me. He after said, when he found me, that we was holding my eyeballs in my hands. we had squished them, nonetheless they were somehow still trustworthy to my head.

I remember praying and intuiting people fill in around me. There contingency have been 7 or 8 men, in further to a pastor, holding me down. we fought so tough opposite their restraints that my wrists harm for weeks after. At some point, paramedics arrived, and we was so warlike that they had to composed me with ketamine. we was eliminated to a bracket and airlifted around helicopter to Greenville Memorial Hospital in South Carolina.

While all this was happening, my mom was on her approach to a building with her recording to get me legally committed. She was too late.


At a hospital, doctors achieved an puncture medicine to entirely mislay what was left of my eyes in an try to safety my ocular nerves and to forestall infection.

I woke adult dual days later. At that point, a sedatives and traces of recreational drugs were still in my system, yet we remembered what happened. Everything was dark, and we knew we was blind, yet when we sensed my mom by my side, we knew we would be okay.

I was in a sanatorium for a week, during that we suffered from bad headaches behind my eye sockets and quite in my temples. They continued to stand adult intermittently for about a month. we was offering hydrocodone for a pain yet usually took it once or twice — we unequivocally didn’t wish to take anything besides Tylenol. we was dynamic to stay off drugs. Luckily, we didn’t knowledge any drug-withdrawal symptoms.

When we asked friends and family members who visited me what we looked like yet eyes, we was told there’s red hankie (muscle stuffing a socket) and a white mark (my ocular haughtiness endings) where my eyeballs used to be. When my sockets are entirely healed, hopefully subsequent month, I’ll get eye prosthetics to fill out my face, nonetheless they won’t assistance me see.

After a week, we was eliminated to a psychiatric in-patient diagnosis facility. we was frightened shitless about how we would be treated, yet a trickery incited out to be amazing, with group-, music-, and animal therapy, and a unequivocally understanding staff. That’s where we was strictly diagnosed with bipolar commotion and began holding lithium, a mood stabilizer, and Risperdal, an antipsychotic medication. Through therapy, we schooled to start usurpation my new reality.


When we went home with my mom final week, a initial thing we did was travel around and hold all to get a clarity of my environment. My mom has been unequivocally understanding — she won’t let me go adult or down a stairs by myself out of fear I’ll trip, yet she gives me written cues to get around exclusively and got me an iPhone that reads content aloud.

Activities we used to enjoy, like personification guitar and training piano, are going to be harder now that I’m blind, yet I’m still optimistic. When we stub my toe or my knee, we think, Well, it substantially saved me from walking into a wall and attack my face.

I still wish to go to propagandize to turn a sea biologist — nonetheless I’m blind, we can still go underwater to feel a vigour and deepness. In a meantime, in further to my outpatient psychiatric treatment, I’ve left to a Commission for a Blind for physical-therapy training with a cane, and assimilated a new church to equivocate a drug users we knew during my aged one. we devise to attend 90 Narcotics Anonymous meetings in 90 days. Once we lift adequate income on GoFundMe, I’m going to get a seeing-eye dog.

Of march there are times when we get unequivocally dissapoint about my situation, quite on nights when we can’t tumble asleep. But truthfully, I’m happier now than we was before all this happened. I’d rather be blind than contingent on drugs.

It took losing my steer to get me behind on a right path, yet from a bottom of my heart, I’m so blissful I’m here.

If we or someone we know is struggling with drug abuse or addiction, call a Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s 24-hour diagnosis mention hotline during 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or revisit Findtreatment.samhsa.gov for giveaway and trusted help. In a box of a medical emergency, call 9-1-1.


Article source: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/a19179723/kaylee-muthart-eye-gouge-crystal-meth/

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